When the dead walk, which will you go for?
The zombies are coming… how are you going to defend yourself? Maybe you have a home arsenal that would give The Punisher goose bumps, but are you sure you’re going to be home when it all hits the fan? The truth is, you have no idea where you’re going to be, and if you’re at, say, Dairy Queen, you won’t find the same variety of long guns that you will in your basement armory. So what kind of expedient do you reach for?
The answer is an everyday hand tool that penetrates. Penetration is key to weapon lethality, a fact corroborated by everyone from medieval swordsmen to the scientists behind contemporary wound ballistics. To kill a zombie, you have to disrupt his brain, and that means punching through his skull, a task that is more difficult than you might imagine. So when you hear helicopters and screams, and you see the cast of Thriller shambling around the strip mall parking lot, go wherever tools are kept (e.g. a storage closet or utility hall) and find an implement that you think could punch through a household hollow core door. That amount of penetration should be more than enough to take care of your flesh-eating friends.
Check out this video from J.D. McGhoul, a zombie who offers additional insight on hand weapons:
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Pat Kilbane is best known for his three-year run on Fox’s Mad TV, though many remember him for his role as the “anti-Kramer” in the Superman-themed Seinfeld episode “The Bizarro Jerry.” He has appeared in sci-fi films such as Evolution, Meet Dave, and Day of the Dead, and had a multi-year contract with Dreamworks developing science fiction concepts for television. More recently, Kilbane wrote The Brain Eater’s Bible, a fully illustrated zombie field manual available in hardcover on Amazon, and for the iPad in the iTunes store.
{ 58 comments… read them below or add one }
Great write up by my friend Pat Kilbane. Let me know what you guys think. -BW
Looks good to me!
Thanks David! Do you need my shipping address? -BW
Great write up for sure! Nothing beats a good zombie article, especially one that explains how to properly dispose of them. Now we just need some zombies..
If any other readers are into the whole zombie apocalypse you should check out the book World War Z.
That was just too funny…thanks guys
Are you the same guys who wore parachute pants in the 80s? Don't any of you feel even the smallest bit silly about all this zombie stuff? It's getting hard to take Kit Up seriously. If it were not for Brandon's resume, I don't think I'd bother.
Have to admit that the parachute pants comment made me laugh. Good stuff. Take us seriously but realize we like to let loose a little now and then! -BW
At least they aren't playing with dolls.
Meanstreet, you sound just like a friend – "Zombies aren't real, this is ridiculous!" That was until I explained it to her.
Sure, brain eating zombies is far fetched, but in the real world of preparedness and resiliency it's hard to break out of planning for a specific event and to think about ALL HAZARDS. (In my job, I use a picture of Gozilla attacking corporate headquarters to break people out of "Well it's just a fire" or "Just a flood" thinking.)
We have an aging infrastructure that every stat and study out there says will break in a major way sooner rather than later. Solar weather warnings say we are at a heightened risk of solar flares in 2012. When the electricity goes, we all go back to the dark ages as quickly as we run out of fuel for our generators. No electricity, no refrigeration for our meat and medicines.
If you are one of the few properly prepared, two weeks in when people are starving and desperate to keep their families alive what do you become? A target.
No I'm not a whack-a-doo with a million plus rounds of ammunition for the 800 different guns I have stashed around my house, but I do have a well defined bug out plan. (That doesn't involve a single shot or machete slice)
Zombies may be a joke for the most part, but at least thinking about it puts you a few steps ahead of those people that never do.
you put it all in perspective… never thought about it that way.
Lighten up Francis!
You need a head shot, right? Well, assuming that I'm going with a Ruger 10/22. If you have to shoot them in the head, I don't really think that the additional kinetic energy of something like 5.56 or 7.62×39 would really be worth it. I might have an accurate bolt action rifle chambered in something like .243 Winchester. It shoots very flat, it's common, and it'd be good for killing deer. That last part is going to be fairly important during the societal collapse following a zombie outbreak.
Machetes don't need ammo. Crowbars don't need to be sharpened.
Love it. Thanks guys!
I am with South Florida, everyone should read World War Z because it is a great book that goes well beyond just talking about a Zombie Apacolypse. Everyoen knows the best weapon is distance (Both vertical and horizontal), silence and speed. When people try to make fun of me about having a Zombie plan I just tell them that if you prepare for a zombie hoard then dealing with a global pandemic will be easy.
So, the idea of Zombies as a metaphor is lost on some folks…
Is there a correlation between that group and the group that uses the term "Gucci Gear" or other pejorative terms for things they don't understand?
Thanks Brandon, it was a fun read. Even better, it made a valid point about choosing the best kit for the job.
Just because it is fun to do so, ponder this readers. A piercing weapon would indeed be the best close in weapon, the rub lies in the fact that you really don’t want to be in close at all. Zombies mob, they’ll defeat you by pure numbers.
Plain and simple, the best weapon against Zombies is avoidance. If you can’t avoid them, you’re going to want a stand off weapon, in other words some sort of fire arm. The question then becomes, what would be the best fire arm to carry. Really do you want to pack around a 357 all damn day, when a 22 might do the job just fine? Besides 22 ammo is going to be one heck of a lot easier to find and easier to carry.
So readers, what are your recommendations for the best stand off weapon. what’s your best anti Zombie bit of kit? Have fun answering.
GeR-glad you liked it…..I answered you below! -BW
A crowbar has the durability that a wood-handled axe or pot steel-bladed machete doesn't, and the ability to give you access to places that have been barricaded.
But having the hatchet as backup and for use as a hammer (for barricading) would be useful, since they're light and can fit in holsters.
A .22 rifle would be the first thing to pack since it's the most common ammo in the (civilized) world, and you can carry literally tens of thousands of rounds if you are strong enough. They also make less noise and are much easier to shoot. Guns with removable magazines are overrated in this sort of scenario, since they operate off the assumption that you have plenty of time to prepare beforehand in order to unleash a massive hail of lead. But a tube-fed .22 takes longer to reload, so carry two guns and work in a team to load and fire in order
Although, a .22 might have to be rattled off rapidly into the brain to get the same damage that a centerfire gun would produce.
That depends on whether or not you need to actually cause the same amount of damage to the brain that it would take to kill a living person, whether you need to destroy the medulla oblongata, or whether any sort of brain damage will suffice.
So it depends on whose zombies you're dealing with. lol.
12 Gauge Auto Shotgun with Surefire and EoTech. Hit'em with slugs or 00 Buck…
Congratulations, every zombie within a mile radius is now walking your direction!
I hope you can thumb rounds faster than you can fire them.
Hehehe.
At first Brandon, I didn’t agree with your choice of shotgun at all. Upon reflection however , I can see a circumstance where a particular shotgun could be quite useful indeed.
Bare in mind the biggest Zombie threat is being overwhelmed by sure numbers. When faced with a mob an AA12 with a 20 round drum loaded with buck would come in handy. Forget the head shots, you don’t have time, spray and pray the legs. Crawling Zombies are a lot easier to out run and they would slow down the other zombies behind them.
Thanks for making me think again.
All head shots of course..super standoff would be any 308 bolt action with blended metal ammo…..virtually unlimited barrel life and plenty of ammo around…
You can find .308 in every WalMart, but the same goes for the other 20-30 or so rifle calibers they carry. But .22 Long Rifle on the other hand can be used in probably 1 in 5 guns in the united states, and in any given location there's going to be upwards of 50 times as much .22 LR on hand. And if you use low-velocity rounds in a pump rifle, it makes less noise than a staple gun.
I've got a Glock .45cal, AR-15 with EO tech, and a Benelli m-4. Waiting on a lightweight, long samurai type sword. Any suggestions?
Uh, you know that a samurai sword is designed to cut through about two or three people before it needs to be polished and resharpened?
The only thing that makes a samurai sword special is the fact that it's polished to such a smooth finish and such a sharp edge that it cuts through flesh and bone like a three-foot razor blade. But it's basically a quick-draw weapon that isn't designed with durability in mind. You cut a zombie the wrong way, and you've got a useless but cool looking box cutter.
It takes an expert weeks to polish a katana, much less repair and maintain one.
Broadswords are much better overall weapons.
Uh, then how come the samurai were running around battlefields wacking armored opponents with them? It's not like they were carrying multiple swords, unless you're going to say they used the other sword in their daisho; a broadsword is a great idea, but if you are going for cutting capability, a katana, tachi, or even a nodachi field sword is the way to go…..
They weren't. The primary weapon of the samurai was the bow and the spear.
The sword was for the most part, a formal decoration and a backup weapon.
Samurai armor was also pretty soft as it was mostly made of leather and wood, versus plate steel or chain mail in European armor.
That said, samurai trained from childhood and had the skills to wield a three-foot razor blade whereas someone who just picked one up would probably either break it or cut their own leg off.
i agree, when you have a real fine shoulder on a knife/sword they tend to go blunt quicker when they hit solid surfaces(bone), as apose to a nice thick one
Not any more than the broadsword was replaced as the knight's primary by the lance, pole-ax or mace. The samurai preferred the bow only as long as the blade construction was of poor quality; once high-quality katanas hit the field they became the preferred weapon……
Trade that Benelli out for a good shotgun….the M-4 556 round will not be very effective….it doesn't work well on live people let alone the dead…..
Assuming you've got a guy loading your magazines, you can put more 556s down range than any shotgun on the planet would allow you do.
Also, it's easier to suppress a rifle than a shotgun (watch The Walking Dead?), and the effective, accurate range is like five times greater.
I got the Remington 870 Tactical for up close and AR for a bit more distance.
I'll pick my wife, who could drill a zombie's eye at 100 m no problem. The thing that bugs me is that she has almost no practice or training. But boy can she shoot. So I'll watch her back and reload for her.
Most women I've met can out shoot men.."did I just say that out loud?"…BW
I think it's common knowledge that complete beginners almost always end up out-shooting hunters and plinkers in basic training, minus a few exceptions.
Beginner's luck perhaps?….
No, it's because beginners listen to their expert instructors while people who think they know how to shoot do not.
A beginner who does it right will do a better job than someone with experience doing it wrong.
No chainsaw whats wrong with him???? LOL
Bbb-
If you knew about the shotguns I do ;) you may have a change of heart. Plus if you’ve shot any “live” thing with a .22 (yeah it kills with a grape shot) you would be wary to use the round on a Zombie hoard. Better a good bolt action 308 suppressed with a Night Force scope w/illuminated reticle (good for low light). Plus ….all else fails and I can always shoot the living and take whatever the heck I want….
The chances of finding a silenced shotgun during a zombie apocalypse that you didn't make or own yourself are about one in a million.
The chances of finding a suppressed M4, MP5, 9mm, etc are much, much higher because they are standard equipment in the armories of military units. IIRC every standard infantry unit has one suppressed gun available. And that was a long time ago… silencers have become much more commonplace, even among civilian shooters.
Does anyone remember the mini gun Jesse Ventura had in Predator? That is what I would take LOL j/k
Legit but limited ammo!!
Yes it would be very limitied ammo, but it would do enough damage for me to be able to make my escape with my mossberg. Was just trying to think of something no one else mentioned yet.
Don’t get me wrong! It was a solid piece!
gunslinger6: I am with you there on the AK. Since it's the end of the world, most likely won't have time to clean my weapon so the AK would be better since it needs little cleaning. (For Accuracy, I would stick with the AR)
Go Navy! I agree I shoot my AR wet, and there would be little to no time to clean my weapon. So I would want something that goes bang everytime the trigger is pulled.
Thanks. Between the two, which would you pick Brandon if it were between the AK and AR? I like my AR better then my AK for many reasons, but in a situation like that I would lean towards the AK, since it can be used and abused and wouldnt have to worry as much about jams, etc..
AK hands down. That thing will take a beating!
I was pretty sure you would agree with AK as well, but had to ask. Thanks.
An AK would be the best choice because simply put, it was designed to run with very little maintenance, and to be maintained by people who can barely read.
Also, ammo tends to be in bulk when it's available at all, and the reliability of the AK is legendary.
Not to mention it shares ammo with one of the most popular rifles in the US: the SKS.
If you ignore reliability and ease of maintenance, and have access to US military ammo dumps, the AR is king, because it's more accurate (headshots), and you can carry more ammunition since 556 is lighter, and STANAG magazines are more compact.
I would pick up both if given the choice. The army would have been mobilized so ammo would be plentiful for the AR, but the AK would be able to use ammo you pick up off survivalists who stockpile thousands of rounds (but probably ended up undead anyway).
Now if only they would invent a solar-powered energy ray with an effective range of about 600 meters, then we'd have the perfect zombie stand-off weapon…..
Personally, I would go for a bad ass Katana if dealing with slow moving targets of the undead variety. My lord that is my idea of a good time. Though, for undead Olympians I'd have to go with a Pig coupled with a china lake get up. The AA-12 would be a winner as well. My instinct for ultimate reliability makes me feel a supped up AK with drum mags might just take the cake for me. Then again, if all else fails, a Tac-300 with a USO SN3 T-Pal 3.2-17x44mm/red 11pos. rheostat scope, SRT shadow can, and a good CNVD(not thermal of course) would come in handy for "resupplying" as needed just as Brandon stated.
Disable the zombie vehicle at distance with a Barrett 50 BMG; as the zombies exit the vehicle, drive them toward the open with a crossfire of 24" bbl Ar-like 308 and any decent bolt action rifle(s) – 308 best for ammo compatibility, but 7mm mag, 338 mag, etc – lots of choices (shoot whatever you have the least ammo for, then destroy the gun and leave it). As the zombies get closer, switch to CAR-sized 308 (DPMS), then if any are closer yet use Delta Elite in 10mm and / or 45 – finally, two modern (fiberglass handle, well balanced) fighting hatchets (Cold Steel has good ones) – one in each hand – or a hatchet in one and a sharp heavy machete in the other (machete the leg, hatchet the head – repeat as necessary). Shotgun probably fits into the mix somewhere, but maybe not – the 308 CAR is fast to reload, plenty of power, and easy to maneuver.
Mindless life sucking zomies…better yet just vote them out of office.
Please, are you kidding? I looked to Kitup for the genuine item, not the silly nerd shit that can be retrieved from places like tacticalfanboy. Leave the zombie shit for the others . . . . It is fuckin' stupid, to say the least.
All the fiction is to prepare you/us for the nonfiction. A word to the wise, be ready.
Errr, no. The bow was always the primary weapon on the battlefield in virtually all medival settings. Also, yabusame, or horseback archery, was one of the most important things a samurai practiced as far as martial arts go.
Generally speaking, samurai didn't carry their priceless heirloom-grade swords into battle. In actual warfare they used rougher, cheaper, and less refined mass-produced swords that were considered disposable. Considering the time involved, they probably weren't as sharp either.
None of this changes the fact that a katana is literally the worst melee weapon for surviving a zombie apocalypse. If anything, a spear would be a better choice than both the samurai sword or broadsword. Zombies aren't dangerous when they're impaled six feet away.
When it comes to LIVING beings, a katana is an incredibly deadly weapon in the hands of an expert, and a replica sword is pretty lethal even in the hands of a soldier. But that's a different story altogether.